Love, Laughs, Tickles, Teases. Frogs & Jelly Beans

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Mother's Day Blues May 14, 2006

Mother's Day #27
Mother's Day is a day I really really hate....I don't usually get so depressed about it at least not for years....but today is going to be rough. I suppose it's because the Bishop asked me to get the flowers for all the moms in the ward so I spent last night filling water tubes and stripping roses for all my nieghbours who are mother's.
It's funny when I was little it never really ever occurred to me that I couldn't have all the children that I wanted, when I wanted them. I really looked forward to the day I could be the Mommy and do the "because I said so that's why" bit on my kids and the " this house had better be clean when I get home!" would really be a favourite right now. LOL
I tell myself it's because I was too greedy. I always wanted to have 12, the Frog thought 8 was pretty alright so we settled on ten B4 we ever even got married. We didn't want to wait so we never prevented things right from the first. With in months all our friends were epecting...just never ever us. Who knew? At least we had a medical reason for things. I can't imagine being like my cousin and knowing that there is nothing wrong with either of you other than the fact you just don't mix.
I really did try everything that was medically possible for us at the time. Even when we couldn't afford it, we always seemed to find the money to pay for just one more try with the drugs, tests and Dr's visits. The end of July it will be 19 years since my Hysterectomy and 15 since we decided not to adopt. How sick of an anniversary is that to keep track of?
I tell others that I'm glad now that I don't have kids...and that I'm not running them around being a "soccer mom". The sad truth is, all our friends who got married when we did either already have a couple or are expecting their grandchildren. Another sick depressing thought.
I wonder once in a while what will happen to me after the Frog is gone? I truly can't really imagine myself dating or marrying someone else only to go thru losing them eventually too. The only thing I could experience with some else is children, but they wouldn't be mine, not really and no matter how hard I tried I know it wouldn't be the same at all.

My friend L didn't even get married til she was 45 and she has the stepkids and their children, but she told me once since she's not Mom but Dad's wife. She really has to walk on eggshells around them sometimes. He was single for years B4 she was ever in the picture. She said it doesn't matter that he and the X never got along, all kids even grown up ones hold out the hope their parents will get together again.
I tell myself I'll travel about and that I'm the best Auntie V around but I'm really scared I'll end up being one of those cranky old blue rinse gals in the nursing home that no one visits ecept out of a sense of duty. Or worse like Uncle Hill living in a cluttered rat trap talking to my rabbits and chickens, eating cornflakes with ants in them.
Poor Poor Pitiful me........

No comments: