The BIG 50!!!

Yes you read that right, the big 50. Since noon last Thrusday I'm officially 1/2 a century old. As birthdays go it was pretty quiet. Teresa took me out for dinner the night before to El Rancho Grande. For once I got something different and ordered the Enchiladas Sonora. Very yummy.
Soon I'll be gumming my food and wearing my hair really short and poking every which away. I'll wait in line for the Early Bird Special at Golden Corral and spending obscene amounts of money on orthopedic shoes, support hose and mummu style dresses. I'll get things in the mail from the AARP, pre-need funeral plans and retirement homes offering compassionate caring staff to meet my every need in my Twlight years.
I'm not dead. I'm just getting older. Which is why I will no longer have Birthdays. When asked how old I am, I will answer 39 with 11 years of experience.
Sounds so much better than 50.....don't you think.

Changes

I hate change!!
I think it's because too many things feel out of control when the change is unexpected. I really think that part of it is just frustration with having to spend so much time on hold to get minor little things taken care of. Whoever came up with the whole phone tree for businesses with the press 1 for payments or 2 to hear this in Spanish is at the top of my $#iT list this week.
Sometimes you just really want to pop someone upside the head and smack them around for awhile for being so very, very dense. So I just want to say it here.......If you and the board were going to completely disregard anything we did, then why did you ask us to vote? Why let us feel like we mattered when we didn't? Well just so you know, you have lost all my business. In the words of Monty Python " I fart in your general direction!"  Remember I have Crohn's and Celiac so those suckers are pretty powerful. If I were you I'd be trampling over everyone with no thought to the life or limb of anyone else while I run upwind very fast!
Then to top off my day Blane calls to tell me Parky is gone. I spent the next hour or so bawling my eyes out. I'm so glad I went down there Sunday I'd should have petted him a little more. He was always the first to come over for a rub or ear scratch when the Frog was alive. He'd be on one knee and Berg on the other and Steve would pet them til his hands got too tired. Poor old dog, he and I started diabetes shots at the same time. He had a knee surgery a few years ago and I snapped these photos.

Poor Puppy. He was old for a big dog. He will be missed. Rest In Peace Parky Dog.

I hate my Hands!!!

I took my nails off a few weeks ago after literally having them on for the better part of the last 6 years. I just can’t justify the expense anymore. I did learn enough to do my own for special occasions even though the right hand never really looks right.

Now I’m willing to bite the bullet somewhere else in the budget to work my long nails back in. I can’t spell worth crap while I’m typing. They get even a tiny bit of white showing and it rips and tears, usually in layers. It’s painful and absolutely butt ugly!

I’ve tried to keep them painted but even that is looking pretty hacked after a day or two. Nothing seems to stick very long and even a clear coat peels off.

I Got Hit by A Car

A few days ago I was hit by a car. Right in the head. It left a pretty funky goose egg and had a lovely little coresponding bruise to go with it. Next time an angry toddler decides to have a tantrum I need to make sure no Hot Wheels are within throwing range.  I had a matched set of bumps on my head foe awhile.
My Budha Baby is growing up. he's walking all over and now tries to bolt and run when ever a door is opened. Maree said he almost made it 1/2 way here before she caught up with him the other day.
So are my nephews.
Both Gray and Emil had Birthdays in the last couple of weeks. Emil turned four and Gray turned 3. Jakob turned 1 the end of January and Seth did at the end of April.
I got to talk to Gray on his Bday he wanted a digger truck and was pretty excited to get it. He's really cute when he talks on the phone. He gets excited and talks so fast about every other word is all that I can understand. Those are mostly guesses too. But he is so funny!

This Song

Been listening to this song so much lately.
I read a long time ago that "Singing is like Praying twice"  This is the answer to the prayer.

Hold On by Michael McLean


The message of this moment is so clear

And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will come

Everyone who’s ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has come

It’s a message everyone of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on
There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come
Hold on, hold on, the light will come

If you feel trapped inside a never ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will come

The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come

Another Tough Day

I keep telling myself it's okay to feel like you are feeling. Sometimes you just need to allow yourself to feel sad without feeling guilty about it. So I'll call my mom and my MIL to wish them a Happy Mother's Day then I plan on wallowing in self pity for pretty much the rest of the day.
Just like I've done every Mother's Day since 1980.
I do really well the other 364 days of the year but this is the day that I deal with the disappointment, pain, sadness and trials of infertility. The helplessness, and grieving of a do it or die hysterectomy. We tried adoption with no success. We tried everything legal. The rest of the year I'll have myself convinced once again that I have no regrets.
Liar! Liar! your pants are on fire!
I will never be a mother. Nobody will ever call me Mom. I will never be anyone’s Nana or Gigi. No one will ever feel obligated visit me today in the care center. So I don't do Mother's Day. I wallow. That's how I choose to deal with it.
Poor poor pittiful me.